I would love your opinion...

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MornaStar
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I would love your opinion...

Post by MornaStar » Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:43 pm

So this weekend I went over to my best friend's house like I always do. I was downstairs helping her after we got home from Joann's and we were printing out pictures to make into jewelry. Well her mother called us both upstairs which is never a good sign with her family. Well first off I wasn't comfortable because her grandmother was in the room and I know she doesn't like me even though she tries to tell me she does, but you know how you get these vibes from people and you know they don't like you? Well that's how it is with her. Well her mother says that she doesn't know exactly what is going on but she has noticed that she (my bestie) and I have been giving her eldest sister dirty looks and giving her an attitude. (her sister was pretty heavy into drugs and she abused her two kids while she was doing this, turned everyone against my bestie just to get everyone off her trail so that she didn't get caught doing drugs and now because she is "getting her life back on track" my bestie can't go to college or learn how to drive because now her mother is raising her (the drug addict's) 7 year old daughter and her almost 2 year old son.)So she said she (my besties mom) understands why she is giving her sister an attitude because it's her sister and she lived with her, but she doesn't understand why I'm giving her one. She said I have no reason to be mad at her about it and therefore no reason to give her an attitude. Well first problem with her theory. One I haven't been giving her an attitude, I have been avoiding her yes but that is only because everyone in that house told me that I need to watch what I say around her. Well since I don't know what to say around her how am I supposed to have a normal conversation with her? Another thing, if I feel like avoiding her and minimizing how much I talk to her with short comments like yes, no, maybe, I don't know, etc. That is my business because she did hurt my best friend, she abused her children, and now my best friend can't go and further her life. Not only that but there have been MORE than enough times when I have been asked to go over there and help their family because the kids have become too much. I sat down at their kitchen table and worked with the little girl and helped her do her homework and saw how much she struggled because her drug addicted mother didn't want to wake up to take her to the bus. I spent most of my first year out of high school helping them get this little girl, who is more like my niece than my nephews are my nephews because I've been there for her whole entire life, get on and off the bus because her mother got arrested! She has stolen money from me on more than one occasion and has even used me as a scape goat to get them off her back while she was still in the house and doing drugs. Now please tell me again that this is none of my business because this is not my family. Like it or not it doesn't just effect your family, it effects everyone around your family weather you like it or not, but by all means if you don't want me involved and you don't want my help like I have been doing for the past three years spending my money (about 20 dollars a week) to go back and forth to your house to help you out then I wont help you. Am I wrong? Does this not have anything to do with me? Do I not have a right to be angry about what my friend's sister did to her and her children and even me?
Sing For What You Feel Inside
R.I.P. Ashley 11/28/12
R.I.P. Ashley 2.0 4/3/13
I have 7 PPs named Alina, Jake, Ella, Jinxx, Sammi, Andy, and Juliet


Geranium
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I would love your opinion...

Post by Geranium » Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:00 am

That is a difficult situation to be in. Addiction is a tricky, messy thing, you may want to explore getting your friend to Alanon and researching ways to cope with addiction fall out. If you find the right group, it can be really helpful. Addiction doesn't happen in a vacuum, it is often a dysfunctional relationship that supports it which is why to recover from addiction requires the addict to either leave their family/friends or they need treatment too. There are times when they do things that have you feeling like you're the one who is crazy. It's difficult to know how much to be involved in their mess. You are very generous to spend your time and energy trying to help out, especially with the little ones but you are not part of the family nor friends with the family. You may want to consider pulling back and only doing things to support your friend and not her family. It seems they do not want your help. And it puts you in a position of being used, mistreated and sucked into the crazy. It's like the advice to parents of spirited children, pick your battles. This one sounds like one that is just leaving you frustrated and are you actually getting anything done that is worth that frustration? While you have the right to be angry, is that really how you want to spend you time and energy? If you change your focus to just being there for your friend, you may be able to ignore the rest of them more easily. You can and should be polite to them, as you would be to any other stranger that you don't really care about.My thoughts...Peg

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Laurie LeAnn
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I would love your opinion...

Post by Laurie LeAnn » Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:33 am

she prob thinks you ignoring her is giving attitude. some people are like that, if you don't act like you like them , like every things is just peachy keen, then you have the problems, not them..you shouldn't haven't have to be " friends " with this person and all cheerio happy, just with the person who is your friend. I agree you should step back from the other parts of family helping out with other issues cause then they EXPECT it from you and you end up being hurt to. not your job to give out money, emotional and schooling to the kids, that's the mom and grandma job, even the aunt you are a friend. don't get into the situation of becoming the middle man and then ruining a friendship

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Crabber85
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Post by Crabber85 » Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:32 am

@Mornastar, I lived nextdoor to a drug addict/dealer for fifteen years and was bestfriends with her children since we were in diapers so I felt like the girls were my family and would tell on their mother to my parents when I saw something going on that shouldn't have been like the mother passed out on the livingroom floor from getting high instead of doing what she should have been doing like oh I don't know actually feeding her kids, getting them dressed and off to the bus in the mornings but instead it was everyone elses problem in the neighborhood.I actually helped to get the woman arressted because she needed to be in jail where she could dry out and get off the drugs which she did.She lost her kids just before ending up in prison which also resulted in her loosing her house.We tried to help her but she would just play like she was going to straighten up her life and then would end up back on the streets selling her drugs.The last straw for us was when our house got shot because her, her brother and their friends were all high and decided to get into a gun fight just for the heck of it....In my opinion you do have a right to complain and be envolved because you have already been brought into the situation and have been effected by it just like I was.
Hi I have autism so I tend to answer questions very directly and with little emotion so please don't think I'm being rude.
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Keg
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I would love your opinion...

Post by Keg » Tue Apr 16, 2013 9:34 am

I try to minimize exposure to harmful elements. Even if it means losing a friend. Poison and nourishment don't mix beneficially.Some things can't be mitigated. They have to be avoided.Sorry if that's too simplistic. It's the only way I can handle it.


Geranium
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I would love your opinion...

Post by Geranium » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:19 am

Keg - recognizing your limits is a wonderful thing, simple is never a bad thing. Not everyone is ready to admit or recognize their limits, I can be it all, do it all, etc. Also there are self esteem and care taking issues, especially in young women, that interfere with those natural limits and boundaries. We are taught at a very young age that it is our job to take care of others, often with the subtext, everyone else before yourself. It took me decades to feel right about even putting my self care on my list at all, let alone at the top. It's a tough lesson to counter, some of us don't get there until we've hit enough serious health crises.Boy, serious mood today...time for some quiet contemplation.Peg

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MornaStar
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I would love your opinion...

Post by MornaStar » Wed Apr 17, 2013 7:21 am

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It has come down to this. I'm not going over to her house anymore. It sucks and it will limit how much we see each other, but with recent events and decisions that I am making about my lif it will help out a lot. I have school that I need to focus on and there are a lot of people who care about me and who don't put me into bad situations. Not going to see her and help take care of her family will be a good way to have her fade out of my life because in the long run I have noticed that she is just keeping me back from my full potential.
Sing For What You Feel Inside
R.I.P. Ashley 11/28/12
R.I.P. Ashley 2.0 4/3/13
I have 7 PPs named Alina, Jake, Ella, Jinxx, Sammi, Andy, and Juliet

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