Will I be Mrs. His-Name?

latieplolo · Post by **latieplolo** » Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:57 pm

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a couple years now and things are going really, REALLY well. We haven't really talked much about marriage, but it's a possibility for the future.I have a complicated and negative history with my dad and his side of the family, but I've always been a Pioli. That's my identity, it's part of what makes me me. My sister and I are Pioli girls. I'm involved in academia and I'd like to go on and get a doctorate in the next decade (once I've paid off more of my debts from the first 2 degrees), so my last name will be an important signifier of who I am.What concerns me most about thinking about getting married isn't the cost or the stress, but the problem of what to do with my name. I don't want us to just keep our separate names because that seems too detached. I really don't want to take his name because I'm not just becoming his property or leaving my family to become only a part of his. My friend struggles with family who insist on using the disgusting "Mrs. John His-Name" on all the Christmas cards which seems absolutely ridiculous, especially because she legally kept her last name. I would like to hyphenate it, but our names sound awful put together.Has anyone else struggled with this? Is there another option I'm missing?

Geranium · Post by **Geranium** » Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:47 pm

I have two friends who forged their own paths. One, they hyphenated the two last names but everyone did - husband and wife and then their children as well once they arrived. The other didn't like either last name, didn't like them together so they chose a family name for their family. I also know a family where the husband and wife took his last name but they gave the kids different last names, from them and from each other. I asked why, my friend said because she could. I know a family who used the wife's last name too thinking about it. There are so many possibilites.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Mon Oct 07, 2013 3:38 am

when I got married I became MRS Magee only on PAPER! MY NAME IS LAURIE. I tell people don't call me mrs magee, I am Laurie. I have my own likes and dislikes, quirks, I am not owned by anyone, I help pay my way through life. we are lucky we live in a place where we have a choice of what we can do what we want with our names. you do what makes you feel the most comfy and is agreeable between you and your partner. Yes I love my husband, but I am just not one of these women that go around and say oh did you meet my husband mr so and so and i am mrs magee.. or introduce my self as that, I introduce my self as Laurie or Laurie Magee, if they ask who are you married to then I say darryl magee. I keep myself and my identity separate.

jenok · Post by **jenok** » Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:51 am

Unless you are a teacher or going to be in a profession where everyone calls you by you're last name all the time I would hyphen it even if it doesn't sound good. The only time you'll use it is on paper. I don't know if you heard about it on the news, but there was a lady in Hawaii that wanted to have her full name on her license but it was too long. I couldn't pronounce it along with millions of others but she felt it was important to her and long story short that's what matters. The importance it is to you not how it sounds or makes other people feel. I have had many people come up with easier pronounced nicknames if they use it all the time outloud.

Keg · Post by **Keg** » Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:16 pm

I was gonna say that Madame Curie wouldn't have changed her name. But she did.http://www.badassoftheweek.com/curie.htmlBut seriously latieplolo, you're talking about four separate and distinct linguistic environments: Aesthetic, the gaining family, your personal lable, and the tradition of naming that your heritage is beholden to. Also, if you're extremely pragmatic (or are willing to disregard all that) then do whatever you want.My gut says (without thinking much about it) that these different problems are going to be very hard to reconcile all at once.It might work if you have a "professional name" which is on your diplomas, a family name for legal purposes, and a glass of cooking sherry to smooth over the parts that don't sound good.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Thu Oct 17, 2013 4:24 am

while were on the name game, I just wanted to throw in a twist here.. my sis in laws mother in law really kind of upset me the other day by trying to say that we needed to correct mackenzie our 4 yr old niece from saying miss laurie or miss anyone for that matter because we are her aunts not miss.. well she has been in day care since 6 weeks of age and grew up saying miss { name } she is used to saying this and to us it is just not an issue. but "grams " thinks it is just so wrong! my point is ok if she is going to make a stink about it then she shouldn't be called " grams " and " papa " need to be called the proper names of GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDFATHER....it's all in a name..

Kryorke · Post by **Kryorke** » Fri Oct 18, 2013 8:07 am

I've seen instances where some women have gone with their first name, then his last name, then their last name

jenok · Post by **jenok** » Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:20 am

@laurie I still do the miss thing with some of the people I know, usually ones that I have worked for. I think it is a nice way of being polite. I have had teachers that went by miss and there first name since their last name was hard to pronounce or awkward to say. I don't see any reason to correct of that, but at some time it will have to be explained to her.

Keg · Post by **Keg** » Fri Oct 18, 2013 4:41 pm

Re: the "miss thing"When I was in the service, we were required to acknowledge female officers by saying, "yes, ma'am". We couldn't after all, say "yes sir," to them.When I got out of the service, I discovered that female professionals (the medical field in this case) were horribly offended by being called ma'am. When they ordered me to call them by their first names, I froze and sweated profusely for ten seconds before I managed to accomplish it.The conditioning is hard to break. In the service you could get disciplined for a breach of customs and courtesy. Then the whole thing changes.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Mon Oct 21, 2013 2:15 pm

When I was a paraprofessional the kids called US miss Magee or miss Laurie even though I am a Mrs. Some just called me Laurie and some teachers had a hard time with that, I just said hey at least they are not calling me a bad name! When Mackenzie is older then we will explain the whole aunt uncle thing. But right now all she knows is all of girls are known as miss, her aunt party is sometimes called patty or sissy, uncle Darryl is sometimes uncle d or just d..this kid doesn't have chance lol!

finalfantasyxii · Post by **finalfantasyxii** » Mon Oct 28, 2013 5:09 am

My friends each took each other's last name. So her last name is Kirkland-Jones and his last name is Jones-Kirkland. I have no idea which one they're giving the kids!I just want to say that even though I took my husband's last name, I'm still a "Brown." No words can change that. I will always be a Brown - no matter what my last name is! I'm just a Loftus, too, now. That was how I felt.I had a hard time initially thinking about losing my last name. But I didn't want 4 names and didn't want to lose my middle. You can do that, too. Just put your maiden name as your middle name. I was able to realize I wasn't losing anything, just gaining!You definitely have to do what makes you comfortable. You could totally just make up your own name! Family isn't about words, in the end.

latieplolo · Post by **latieplolo** » Sun Nov 17, 2013 6:39 am

Thanks for all the advice.When I did my German student teaching, I was Frau Pioli. I wouldn't mind being Ms. Catherine in the future, I think that would be cute.Right now, I'm a preschool teacher. The kids really struggled with "Ms. Pioli" the first month, so I kept telling them it was like "ravioli." One of the students decided to just stick with Ms. Noodles. Of all of the names I've had throughout the years, Ms. Noodles will probably always be my favorite.